


Vacation to Hell

by Depressing_Fanfiction



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, His brother is alive, I love having Sam and Alex as friends, Idiots being really rude and mean to the topic of suicide, Judge Me, Like All Of Mine, M/M, Nobody deserves that, Suicide, Trans!Alexander, i dare you, really sad, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 14:58:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9907763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Depressing_Fanfiction/pseuds/Depressing_Fanfiction
Summary: Suicide is like a permanent vacation. That's what Alexander knew. And it sounded nice.





	1. Chapter 1

  
His heart pounded in his ears. His steps felt heavier than they normally did. Usually going to class was normal. Usually, he did it without the anxiety coursing through his veins. It was so different this time. So different.

He thought nobody would notice. That nobody would notice the change in his clothing, or where he sat. He thought he was just a fleck on the Earth's surface. He thought there was nothing wrong with losing him.

Although he was going to be more than a speck now. People would probably worriedly dash over him, looking down at him. He knew it.

It was all because of that stupid moment. That stupid, "Alexander!", being called by his amazing boyfriend of whom he didn't deserve. If he hadn't been caught by his boyfriend, he wouldn't of spent 2 weeks in the hospital. Instead, he'd be 6 feet under, peacefully resting.

But, Thomas had found him.

He had been in the hospital.

All eyes were on him.

He ducked his head, sitting in a back corner instead of sitting next to his boyfriend and friends. He didn't want to look up. Didn't want to see the concern.

Alexander was done. He didn't need it. He heard the mutters in the corner, but the ones in his head were louder. Insults, taunts, dares, bets... All of it.

He ignored when the teacher walked in. He ignored when everyone asked him how he was, responding with an, "I'm fine.", and a forced smile. He had looked out at the pouring rain, walking dorm in it. He knew that his brother was supposed to take him to his dorm. He knew it was dangerous to be out in the cold rain for this long. He didn't care.

He heard the insults being thrown at him. "Weak!"

"Pussy!"

"Just try again."

"Die."

He had taken a deep breath and finished his walk, opening his door to an empty door. 'Because who the hell would wish to be around you?', a voice teased. A glance at his cabinet and he knew what he'd be doing. He allowed his tears to fall, giving up.

He'd given up.

He'd brought the blade to his wrist. It looked scarred and attacked. And it was. He added to his collection, seeing the blood gather in a puddle.

He cried and slid it across his wrist again. "Stupid."

And again. "Worthless."

And again. "Pussy."

And again. "Just die."

And again. "Die."

He cried, seeing his tortured wrist. He'd heard the door click open. He'd heard the cries as John Laurens and James Hamilton rushed towards him.

He cried as they were pulled away. "N-No! Stop it!", he'd managed to stutter, feeling John run his fingers through his hair. He saw James rushing to clean up and hide the blade, cursing when he saw the boy's wrists. "Holy shit. What the fuck did you do? Who the fuck did this? I-I swear.", James had hissed. He'd hugged his brother, allowing him to shake and scream.

"Alex, who?", John asked. "L-Lee a-and Geo-George King.", Alexander admitted, done with lying. "Call Thomas.", James instructed, gritting his teeth. In a matter of 4 minutes, Thomas was barging down the door. "What happened? Is Alex oka- Holy fucking shit."

Thomas engulfed the smaller in a hug, ignoring the fact that he'd be covered in blood and tears. "I can't do this anymore.", Alexander whispered. "Do what, darlin'?"

"Life. I just can't."

"Babe, don't say that. It'll be okay."

There was no response. He'd only felt a nose nuzzle deeper into his shoulder. Thomas laid the man down on his bed and a few moments later, Alexander was sleeping peacefully. Thomas looked up at James. "What happened?", Thomas asked.

"Charles Lee and George King. Those fucking assholes..", John muttered. "What're we gonna do?", James asked, stroking his brother's hand. "Therapy?", Thomas proposed. "He'd never accept that but... We can try I suppose.", James agreed.

()()()

As soon as Alexander woke up, he looked around frantically for his spare razor. He finally spotted it, hiding in the space between his mattress and bedframe. He honestly didn't care if his roommate, Samuel Seabury, saw. Like he'd care.

He dragged it across his wrist once before feeling a hand lock around his wrist. A broken sob and a few tears later, he was in an embrace with Samuel. "P-Please. Just let me.", Alexander begged.

He felt shame arise in him as Samuel cleaned him up, ignoring the boy's protest. Soon enough, they were seated on the couch together, Samuel looking concerned. "Venting time.", Samuel sang, a small smile on his face.

 

**__**

* * *

**_HEy! I just wanted to say that nobody deserves those comments. It's ignorant, really. Also, this is short because it's a prologue. I'm so sorry if this has happened to you. It's based on my real life. I'm sorry._ **

 


	2. Not A Real Chapter

**_You guys are honestly the best. Thank you for the support and such. If you're going through this, I am so sorry. If you ever need someone to talk to my tumblr is vacationtohell. I am obsessed with that..._ **


	3. Chapter 3

Alexander looked up at him cautiously. "Why d-do you care? Y-Your friends want me to die..."

Samuel offered a sheepish smile, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry for that. It's stupid, really. And I care because I've been going through the same thing and while I don't know how you feel... I won't judge you like those asshats."

Alexander stared at him, wide-eyed. "You mean that you-"

"Yes."

"Don't focus on me then, please. I-I'm sorry-"

"No, no. Wanna talk about anything?", Samuel proposed. Alexander took a deep breath. "You first?"

Samuel nodded. "Y'know my relationship with George King?" Alexander nodded back. "It's... abusive.", Samuel admitted. Alexander grew a serious expression. "While we're on that topic... I've been abused. And it won't go away. See, there are these texts... From my foster parents."

Alexander showed the boy his phone, various texts revealing transphobic messages and other shitty comments. "I'm so sorry.", they said in unison. "Have my friend's done anything else?", Samuel asked, feeling defensive of this man. 

You see, about 3 years ago... You'd never place Alexander Hamilton where he was. He used to be a confident person, not afraid of anyone. He was stronger than everyone... Although Samuel supposed he was. To go through all that he did and push and push and never given up required so much more strength than people credit him for.

"Everyone. Not just your friends. They've just... They haven't given up. They keep trying and trying. And they just... Won't stop. I need them to stop...", Alexander whispered the last part. 

Samuel held his arms out and Alexander immediately accepted, graciously holding the boy close. "Those people are asshats that don't deserve your attention.", Samuel mumbled. "I... I wish I would think that. I should listen to them. They're all right-"

Samuel shook his head, frowning. "Nobody... Deserves that. And if we don't show them that, nobody will. Also, if they do this again. You can talk to me. I won't hesitate to take action." "He'll hurt you."

"He does that anyways. It's fine."

"I-It's not. We can end whatever the hell t-that is. Please let me help."

Samuel nodded. "I'm tired. You?"

Alexander nodded. That's how they fell asleep, Alexander's head on Samuel's chest and Samuel laying across the couch, absentmindedly combing his fingers through Alexander's hair.

()()()

When they had awoken, it was to the sound of music playing from their kitchen, and chairs moving around. Alexander groaned as Samuel got up, opening his eyes. He was met with the sight of Thomas Jefferson, James Hamilton, and Lafayette. "Ah, Good morning Alexander!", Lafayette greeted, a cheeky smile gracing his face.

Alexander flipped over, ignoring everyone else in the room. "Get up~!", Thomas moaned, poking at the boy's side. "Don' wanna.", he mumbled, his face full of a pillow. "Well at least eat.", Thomas begged.

Alexander shook his head, finally noticing the smell of warm pancakes from the kitchen. "Actually, when was the last time you've eaten?", Thomas asked. "When we had takeout from that Chinese place."

"That was 3 weeks ago."

"Oops...?"

Thomas dragged the boy up, frowning when he saw the new cut. Alexander pretended not to notice, allowing his french friend to hug him before plopping down on one of the wooden chairs. 

"I have a class in half an hour. I gotta go.", Alexander realized, rushing to get ready.

Thomas, James, Lafayette and Samuel were silent for a second, adjusting to the newly learned fact of Alexander's eating habits. "Um... Well.", Samuel started awkwardly.

"So, James, you've been awfully silent.", Thomas began. James glared at him. "I feel like shit, look like shit and also I'm just gonna go sleep.", James muttered, falling asleep on Alexander's bed. 

Alexander came out after a moment of silence, rushing to grab his school stuff. He quickly pecked James's cheek, rushing and hugging Lafayette goodbye, giving Samuel a quick wave before pecking Thomas's lips. "Bye!", he called, rushing out the door. 

"Is Alex alright?", Lafayette asked, dropping his smile. Thomas shrugged. "I dunno... But whoever made him feel like this is about to eat shit.", Thomas muttered.

()()()

Alexander began walking home after his class, feeling like shit as always. The comments began again, following him and echoing in his mind.

"Stupid."

"Worthless!"

"Just die."

"Pathetic."

"Waste of space."

He exhaled, trying to ignore it. He quickly got to his dorm room and slammed the door, startling Samuel. "What happened?", Samuel asked.

Alexander looked down, shrugging. He collapsed on his bed, trying to ignore the itch of his arms -and god... That razor was very tempting. Samuel sat down next to him, the bed dipping. "Wanna talk about it?", Samuel asked. Alexander nodded, moving over for Samuel to lay down. "They did it again... I can still hear it. Stupid... Worthless... Pathetic...", Alexander admitted, looking broken.

He felt the first tear fall, Samuel pulling him close. "I'm so... so sorry. Seriously. It's horrible."

"I'm horrible.", Alexander muttered. Samuel had heard. He shook his head. "No, you're not. You're just an amazing person who has been through way too much. You could be happily living your life. And they could too. But, apparently, some bitches go out of their way to make other people's lives worse."

"Why though? These people...", Alexander began to scratch at his wrists, new cuts forming. Samuel pulled his hands away. "I don't know why. I really, really don't."

Alexander looked up at the boy, examining his eyes. They didn't look disapproving and that was new for him. "Nobody cares about me... I'm just a burden.", Alexander muttered. Samuel shook his head. "Well, if it makes you feel any better... I care for you. A lot. Seriously."

Alexander smiled, allowing the words to thaw through the wall he had built. Because sometimes it can be tiring. It can make you waste away, carrying a huge burden and building walls around your emotions.

It's hard. You want to talk, you really do. But at the same time, you don't. You don't want their pity. You really don't. You just want them to hear. You don't really want their action sometimes. Sometimes you just want to let it all out and allow everyone to know.

And although Alexander would never admit it, he found Samuel to be that person. He hugged the boy, feeling tears slide down his face.

Nobody deserves this... Nobody deserves to be taunted and made fun of for just being them. 

And you know what?

Samuel said, "Suicide isn't cowardly. Pushing someone into doing it is."


End file.
